Comedy scene for two women (20s to 40s): Dirty Talk (risqué)
OK, this one isn’t a monologue, but I’m sharing anyway. It was a request from brevityTV’s Tunisia Hardison, who needed an audition piece for the NBC Universal actor showcase. (She got in, btw!) The prompt I was given was “Two girlfriends discussing akward names their guys have given their or their own body parts, and how somehow the body part never lives up to the name.”
Here’s my stab:
A: What happened? I thought you really liked him!
A: Third date. Best panties, just in case.
B: Blue lace with the heart made of rhinestones, yeah. Things got waxed that ain’t been waxed in some time.
A: So what happened?
B: We sorta started, but… I guess he only likes it if I talk. Like, dirty talk.
B: Have you ever… ?
B: OK, well… Help?
A: Ain’t a thing. You just lean into his ear and–
B: But… I get really uncomfortable with… well… nouns. I don’t like, you know, dirty words. Body parts.
A: So you can’t tell him to grab your ti–
A: Or to take out his co–
A: Or caress your pu—
B: DEFINITE NO!
A: I see.
B: And science words don’t do it. Plus, you run out fast. I actually told him my fallopian tubes ached for him.
A: Wow. Well, you’ve had boyfriends. What words have you used before for your pu—
B: (panicked, high pitch noise) Mmp!
A: For your… crotch.. ular… region. You know, that you could say?
B: Well. I let Mark use the word tulip. And Dante called it my… pinkberry
Belly laugh from A. Not with, but at B.
B: Stop it!
A: OK, OK, OK. Maybe just talk like they do in romance novels. You can be all, “My love canal longs for its harbormaster.” Use words like ‘engorged’ a lot. Ooh, and ‘turgid.’
B: I don’t think I could say that…
A: All right. Last resort. Just keep in mind that once you’re all naked and getting busy, his mind is already going to be halfway there. So pretty much anything you say he’s going to take as dirty. Like, what’s on your to-do list?
B: I… well… my kitchen sink has been dripping?
A: OK. There you go.
B suddenly understands, and experiments with saying phrases as if they’re naughty. She gets more and more into it over the next lines, whipping herself into a frenzy.
B: Come here baby. Fix my sink.
A: You’re getting it.
B: Do you have a big enough wrench to handle my leaky faucet?
B: Also, Mama needs to get her oil changed.
B: Plus it’s time I checked my air filter.
B: I’m going to organize your spice rack!
A: Now mix in something other than chores. Maybe… politics?
B: (super sexy) Let’s take a look at the exit poll!
B: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!
B: I will Barack his Obama!
A: Do you feel sexy now?
B: I’m going to fuck him senseless!
A: You… ?
B: What? Just as long as I don’t have to say body parts .
A: I think you’re going to do fine.
Alternative ending: If you want to avoid the f-bomb just have B run off stage after “Obama,” in excitement shouting out new ones till she’s well off stage: “Let’s rally to raise some funds!” “Keep your big government involved in my business and labor!” “I believe in the effectiveness of your stimulus package!” And A can murmur to herself, “I think she’ll do fine.”
Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.