Comedy monologue for women (20s – 40s): Stare Master
There have been several requests for shorter monologues. So here’s my attempt at something you can perform in about a minute.
I try to be the kind of writer who gives an actor room to play. It’s risky; my writing looks brilliant in the hands of talented thespians, and just okay when done by a performer who thinks through the beats and nuances less. This piece definitely feels like one that could kill, or could muster polite chuckles. Please let me know how it works for you!
And while you probably think that’s somehow very gentlemanly, the fact is that I don’t get up at 5 a.m. every week day, even though I can never fall asleep until after midnight–thanks to my annoying upstairs neighbor talking extra loud to her deaf grandmother every night in Vietnamese–just to make sure I get one of the only two available stairmasters at our crappy local Fit-for-Life–with its crappy one-channel televisions at that hour always playing reruns of Mary Tyler Moore, in Spanish–only to have you refuse to even sneak a glance.
So look at it. Right now! See how each hemisphere lifts in these yoga pants, just wonderfully firm but yet still delightfully feminine? I deserve a good, long checking out. That’s better. OK. Enough. Don’t let’s get pervy, shall we?
Note from the author: If you’re in a situation when the word ‘ass’ is inappropriate, please use ‘bum’ or ‘backside.’ For some reason, to me, using ‘butt’ feels more vulgar in this context than ‘ass’ does, and less cute.
Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.