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Comedy monologue for women (20s – 40s): Stare Master

There have been several requests for shorter monologues. So here’s my attempt at something you can perform in about a minute.

I try to be the kind of writer who gives an actor room to play. It’s risky; my writing looks brilliant in the hands of talented thespians, and just okay when done by a performer who thinks through the beats and nuances less. This piece definitely feels like one that could kill, or could muster polite chuckles. Please let me know how it works for you!

Monologues about asses, written for the massesI happen to have an exceptionally exquisite ass.  I’m mentioning this because I happened to notice that you haven’t happened to notice my exceptionally exquisite ass.

And while you probably think that’s somehow very gentlemanly, the fact is that I don’t get up at 5 a.m. every week day, even though I can never fall asleep until after midnight–thanks to my annoying upstairs neighbor talking extra loud to her deaf grandmother every night in Vietnamese–just to make sure I get one of the only two available stairmasters at our crappy local Fit-for-Life–with its crappy one-channel televisions at that hour always playing reruns of Mary Tyler Moore, in Spanish–only to have you refuse to even sneak a glance.

So look at it.  Right now!  See how each hemisphere lifts in these yoga pants, just wonderfully firm but yet still delightfully feminine?  I deserve a good, long checking out.  That’s better. OK.  Enough.  Don’t let’s get pervy, shall we?

Note from the author: If you’re in a situation when the word ‘ass’ is inappropriate, please use ‘bum’ or ‘backside.’ For some reason, to me, using ‘butt’ feels more vulgar in this context than ‘ass’ does, and less cute.

Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.

11. October 2011 by DigitalDeron
Categories: Monologues | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Comments (4)

  1. I think this is hilarious and I’m using it for an audition in the morning. I’ll let you know how it goes! Thank you so much for these gems!!!

  2. I used this monologue today at an audition and almost the entire panel of judges was rolling with laughter! I had to pause a few times to let the laughs die down so I could continue! Your note is spot on: you need to feel out the nuances and the beats when you practice this. Also, if your audience is enjoying, find a comfortable spot to turn around to show off your rear to really take it over the top!

    THANK YOU for posting these. I feel like this really made me stand out among the crowd and will definitely be using it again! 🙂

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