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Comedy monologue for women (20s – 50s): Serial Killer

needles Comedy monologue for women (20s   50s): Serial KillerI was lucky enough to encounter a fun and challenging writing exercise this weekend. It started with my posting a few months ago of a comedy monologue for women. I mentioned that I would be happy to monologues for interested actors.  Well, a woman named Jenni was going to audition for a musical comedy. She had her song picked out (nothing less than some JOURNEY, believe it or not…) and for some fool reason figured I’d be the writer to give her something to put her over the top. I asked what kind of character she always wanted to play, and Jenni’s response was… <drum roll…> A serial killer.

Putting aside my worry over what that might foretell about Jenni’s psyche, I tried to tackle creating a monologue. I gotta say, it was really, really hard! First of all, you have to make someone who kills people come across as likeable. (The second season of Dexter premiered this weekend. That helped a little.) Then, it’s a twist that the killer is female–not the way we usually picture chain murderers. And once you’ve created a likeable murderess, you must make the whole thing funny!

I gotta tell you, dark is not my style. But, I did my best, and I hope Jenni’s audition went well. Meanwhile, I’ll post the monologue below. As with the first one, anyone is welcome to use it, as long as she comes back to this blog entry and leaves a comment as to how her audition went.

Camera on? You read– OK. So, um, my name is Jenni. Let’s see… Well, I enjoy sports… I’m a Virgo… I like men who are well dressed. That’s extreeeeemmmely important. If a guy’s a slob, he doesn’t have a chance, but I just melt for a suit and tie. And I like my men tall. Six feet tall, EXACTLY, as a matter of fact. I guess I’m a little OCD. <strained, nervous laughter>

I’ve haven’t had much luck with dating… Gosh, my first boyfriend, was just the love of my life, Trevor. He was six feet, which I like. <embarrassed smile of pleasure at the thought> And he was a stock broker, so that meant suits to work every day.

And… this might sound weird, but he sorta smelled like my father. Is that weird? Is that weird that I like that? Anyway, things didn’t work out… Obviously! No ring on this finger!

Ummm, and then of course came Kevin and Manuel and Derek… They were practically exact repeats of my relationship with Trevor. That’s when they label you an actual serial killer, right around your fourth or fifth victim. Oh… did I not mention how my relationships ended? Yeah, usually after a few months dating a guy, if I don’t feel that spark, well, I have to end things. End… him. I probably should have put that out there at the beginning. Really, though, a girl has to look out for herself. There’s nothing worse than you you meet a great guy, and you think he’s just perfect, but soon enough you discover that he’s actually 5 foot eleven and seven-eights, or some bullshit!

But, oh, then there was Jean-Pierre. Mmmm… Jean-Pierre. Exactly six feet, always in Armani. I so wanted things to work out between us. I tried to be good. I did. I’d make him breakfast, and I’d butcher the pets of any other girls who talked to him… My Jean-Pierre. Other than eventually ramming knitting needles into his larynx, I’d say I was a pretty good girlfriend.

There was Steve, who worked at a Men’s Wearhouse, so he’d get a discount on suits, and he was six even. But this one time he wore sweat pants, so I had to break things off. You know… things he needed to live.

And then of course there was my Danny. Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny. My Danny was so sweet. But he wasn’t as into Us as I was. Some guys don’t appreciate a thirtieth or fortieth voicemail in an afternoon. Oh, why didn’t you love me, Daddy? I mean… Danny. Anyway, that relationship didn’t end well. Well, you know. You were there, with the handcuffs and all.

So… There’s your confession tape, detective. By the way… nice suit. How tall are you?

Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.

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03. October 2007 by DigitalDeron
Categories: Monologues | Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments (106)

  1. I just love this! I think that you did it really well and it did come off as something YOU would have written, eventhough the initial idea was started by Jenni!

  2. Love your comedic monologues for women. Are you writing more?

  3. I’m writing other stuff as well, of course, but if anyone gets in touch with a character request, I’ll try to do a monologue for him/her.

  4. Well, here I am…the girl that sang Journey and did a funny monologue about a serial killer for her audition. You have to understand…the musical I was auditioning for was a comedy parody of dance movies (like Dirty Dancing, Lambada, etc.) so it was essential I bring something a little on the quirky side. And boy, was this it! I got a callback and though I didn’t score a roll…it turned out to be because they wanted to cast all ethnic girls (I’m whiter than milk fresh from the teat) but my audition was so great they wanted to see me back anyway. Can’t feel bad about that!

    Since that audition, I’ve used the piece again but as a voiceover piece for a radio drama I was reading for. I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback on it and will hear if I’ve been cast in it by next week. I’ll let you know how it goes!!!

  5. I’m a senior in highschool and I auditioned for our spring comedy with a (cropped) version of this monologue (they wanted a one-minute monologue; I cut out Jean-Pierre and Steve and it was about one and a half minutes). It went pretty well – it seemed like it was more humorous than ha-ha laugh-out-loud funny, but they said it was a good monologue for me, and I got the female lead. Score.

  6. Any new comedic monologues in the works?

  7. You are awesome. As you may have discerned, I had a devil of a time finding a comedy monologue for a recent important audition.

    If you ever feel the urge to write a minute or so for a 30-something soccer mom, funny sidekick/neighbor/best friend, or sarcastic divorcee, I’d be immeasurably grateful!

    Wry, witty, self-deprecating. I’m thinking a less ethnic Rhoda. A softer, but still sarcastic, Janeane Garofalo. A real woman illustrating her situation with an anecdotal style. Or whatever leaps to mind. You know more about this stuff than I ever will!

    Whaddaya think?

  8. This monologue is pure genius! As part of the final exam in my Theatre Arts I class, I have to memorize and perform either a three minute monologue or two one-and-a-half minute monolgoues.
    I LOVE both of your comedy female monologues! In fact, I’m kind of stumped about which one to choose. It sounds as if this monologue might be long enough, but I’m not sure. Anyways, thanks for creating such brilliant monologues! It sounds like you’ve received superb feedback, so I’m pretty excited.

    Again, thanks!

  9. Amy,

    I have it on good faith that said audition turned out just fine for you. :)

    Will take on your suggestion. Just… not soon.

  10. Hi there screenwriterguy,
    I am directing a variety show in Margaret River, Western Australia in which as the name suggests, we blend many an artform – from clowning, dancing, serious dramatic pieces and a couple of monologues. In the process of looking for a sassy, clever, funny comic monologue for an amazing actress in our troupe, I came to realise that they pretty much don’t exist. Until I came across this one which is all of those things and as funny as hell when you see it performed. First of all, please may we have permission to perform it? I know you’ve said it’s okay but just checking. Secondly, please let me know how you would like to appear in our programme, (as in, just screenwriterguy?) basing the second question of course on the assumption that you say yes to the first one.
    Will let you know of any recordings of the show. Thanks!
    Nicky

  11. What would you name this ?

  12. Oh my gosh. That’s AMAZING. Honestly, I’d ADORE to see more of your work. I think that was pretty much….awesome. haha :D

  13. I just wanted to say thank you! Im totally going to have to use this for an audition this weekend but the requirements were 30-60 sec so I had to cut out some of it. But I just wanted to say thank you, its awesome- Ive never actually had a monologue I liked before

  14. This is fantastic. I used this monologue for an audition today and everyone listening was laughing so hard they were crying. I landed the female lead, thanks, I owe it all to you!

  15. @Ash – You owe it to your acting talent! But thanks very much for the feedback, and I’m glad things went well for you.

  16. vonderbagh! but not as funny as the first one. xxxxxxxxxxx I mean that in the nicest possible way xxxxxx

    Please write some more.
    I really hope you could get back to me on the russian monologue asap, as i have to deliver the (your) baby on monday!

    victoryious lornarous xxx

  17. Babies aside….
    I only get 90 seconds to audition…. these puppies are at LEAST 3 mn.

    Got anything shorter?

  18. Hi, i was wondering what you would call this ?
    I want to use it for a play audition this weekend, and i was wondering what to tell them that it is from.
    Thanks :)

  19. I am auditioning today using this monologue. I had to cut some parts because it has to be shorter time length. Im very excited and believe it will turn out well! Thank you very much!

  20. Hey!!

    This is brilliant. I plan on using it for an audition in a few days!!!

    THANK YOU

    p.s. may i have your name and a title for this piece for when i perform it?

  21. hello!!
    I will also be using this for an audition, and I think it’s only necessary that I have your name and the title so that you get credit!

  22. HI!!! Awsome monologue!

    I will be usign this for an audition, may I please have a title and your name? I really need them to use these piece. thnks! (:

  23. LOL

  24. oh goodness!
    i saw this, and i laughed for days…
    well…errr
    not literally.
    haha
    i reeeeeally wanted to use it.
    its hilarious,
    but its not from a play
    and it must be from a published play
    im so disappointed

  25. hey! i loved you monologue! i hope it would be alright to do it for a class that Im taking. i was wondering if I’m allowed to ask the name of the author of this awesome piece? or do i just say “by screenwriterguy.com?” for some reason I don’t think my professor would be to stoked on that seeing that the assignment is to do a piece by a “contemporary american play write.” well thank you very much i love the monologue! its awesome!

  26. Such a great monologue! I love it. It’s just perfectly written. Thank you so much…I’ve been searching for a good one for two days !

  27. Hey thanks a bunch I was looking for a funny monologue and this was PERFECT! it’s genius. I used it to audition for the performing arts school I’ll be attending next year. they said it was a good piece for me and that they could see me as this character. But not in an evil way. It was a lot fun thanks again.

  28. I needed a demo reel for an audition and thought this was perfect. It turned out great but I would like to post it on my my-space and facebook page, I would like to know who to give the credit too and if you would like to view it as well. I did change some things like names and ad libed a bit. I even threw in a pair of hand cuffs from an ex-cop I know, which made the peice even better! Oh I named it “The Confession” I hope that was ok? if not I can change it. But please let me know who to make te credit out too, I wouldn’t want to leave it un published as good as it came out. Thanks and keep writing em!!!!

  29. This is so great, It’s one of the few comedic monolouges I’ve found that comes across believably humorous and overthe top in a more natural way.
    I’m definatly keeping it on file as a potential monologue. thanks so much!

  30. I used this monologue in an audition for a play at my high school. We had two audition days, and the first one went really horribly for me, so that night I looked for a fresh monologue, found this one, memorized it and used it the next day in the second audition. It went over really well- people couldn’t stop laughing, and no one else got such a great response for their monologue. I didn’t get into the play this (because of my awful first audition), but I’m really pumped up for next year, because this monologue and the response it got gave me a lot of confidence.

  31. I had the pleasure of meeting screenwriterguy in person last night! What a small world!

  32. What a fabulous site. Just read through two years’ worth of posts and saw both of these great monologues. But, I am curious…did you ever take Amy Snively up on her request for the soccer mom/sarcastic divorcee monologue posted on 4/29/08? That describes me to a T and I would love to secure such a piece. Let me know.

    Great writing. Keep it up! Thanks.

  33. I recently had an audition for a local company’s generals and I got great feedback – its an excellent monologue with a lot of great discoverable moments – I plan to use it again tomorrow for an audition I have – thanks!

    Also wondering if you plan to write an more material – would love to have some more well written female monologues in my tool belt! :D

  34. This is an AWESOME monologue. I would LOVE to use it for an audition I have coming up. I will let you know how it goes! Thanks SO much :)

  35. I came across this today looking for a monologue for a actors showcase I am doing. It is the only monologue I have seen online for a woman that has a beginning a middle and an end. What a novel idea! Thanks for sticking to the basics..I wished it would catch on. I too would love to see more. Thanks so much for sharing.

  36. Great monologue! I have to perform a monologue for my class as an assignment and I’m definietly going to act out this one! Great job on the writing! Thanks!
    :)

  37. I just loved this!!!! I was searching for a female comedic monologue, and this one is perfect!!!! The only other ones online are cheesy little kid ones, or ones that just don’t pack a punch. But this one was great. You should try writing one for, like, Mrs. Claus or something.

  38. I’m using this for my audition for The Wizard of Oz at my high school on tuesday…..should be interesting

  39. I am 59 and used this for a showcase for my acting class. Thanks so much for posting this.
    You could make us all happy and post more…please!

  40. Really nice monologue. I heard this at a cabaret-style performance at my university last week. Very funny. I scoured the internet trying to find exactly where it came from.
    – Had everyone in attendance busting their gut laughing.
    Thanks for the laughs.

  41. Great work!
    Do you think you will write short comedic monologues for women? I need a thirty second monologue, and I’m not sure I can edit this down to that short.

  42. I kept meaning to post this but would forget. Here is an audition tape I had to send in using your script, thank you so much it was a blast to do and everyone loves it. My mom gets a kick out of it everytime she sees it, she says she keeps having to remember that it’s me because she says “This girl is crazy!” :) I hope the link to youtube comes through.

  43. Oh yeah and I had to add some things to it because I had to make it little longer than 3 minutes.

  44. @Lisa

    what did you add to make it longer?
    I need it to be 5min, I can only stretch it to 3min 30sec

    Any suggestions?

  45. I found this monologue and absolutely loved it. I used it to audition for my high school fall play a week ago, and not only did I get a callback but I got one of the main parts. Thanks so much for writing this monologue. (Our play is Alice in Wonderland and I got the part of the White Rabbit) :]

  46. Dude, this is totally awesome. I had to come up with a monologue that was funny, i loved the fact that she was a serial killer! the end was totally witty, so i used it for the upcoming play my school is doing, and landed the lead! thanks dude!

  47. Haha, I’m using this to audition for highschool play! :)
    Wish me luck!

  48. I used this for my intro to theater class at college.. I bombed for the most part but they all loved the monologue.. I think its very cute and funny

  49. @Ashleigh
    I love this monologue may i please have your info and the name of this play and etc so you may receive credit for an upcoming audition

  50. so my school is doing the jr version of honk and i am dying to be the cat she is a conniving shy sassy cat that really just wants to eat the main character witch happens to be a duck I am kinda at a loss for a monologue and was wondering if you could help the song im doing is whatever lola wants from damn yankees if that halps if you have any suggestions pleeeese thanks so much

  51. Thanks so much! This was perfect!

  52. Thanks a million. I murdered my audition with this piece. Pun intended.

  53. Hey, I used a shortened version of this monologue to audition for God (A Play) by Woody Allen. It went reaaalllly well, and I got a call-back! Unfortunately I didn’t end up getting the role, but they definitely loved the monologue, so thanks!

  54. Just used this one for an audition, it went over well (esp. with the board member of the association :) )…callbacks tonight, so fingers crossed.

  55. I just auditioned with this monologue for my school show. Got the lead! Thanks so much!

  56. What is your name so I can present this monologue correctly? I want to give credit where it is rightfully due:)

  57. Did you ever find out the name of the author and the title? Thank you! @BIGGEST FAN! – What is your name so I can present this monologue correctly? I want to give credit where it is rightfully due:)

  58. This is a fantastic monologue. I’m using it in a masters acting class in Atlanta, GA…. it is a HIT.

  59. Hi, Folks!

    There’s a page, http://www.screenwriterguy.com/monologues, for all those wondering about credits and rules and such.

    Break legs!
    ScreenwriterGuy

  60. I loved this the first time I read it-the morning of my audition, and learned it and nailed it that night. They were laughing so hard, it took a lot longer to get out! They also told me to keep this one as part of my repetoire, and I made sure I gave you the credit! It really is difficult for women to find good monologues, especially comedic ones. I was called back, but haven’t heard yet about the final say for a role, but the monologue definitely won them over. Thank you!

  61. Hi!
    I love this monologue, I found it the night before my audition and it went really well. I got a callback and got the part! I’d previously auditioned for another play with this theatre company using an excerpt from Antigone and totally bombed. I was really comfortable with this monologue and was glad I could come back and do well.
    I’ll definitely share your site!
    Thanks!

  62. so, i used this for my highschool underground play, it went really well, and i got a part! i looove all ur monlogues, but i do have one very serious complaint. i did the audition a few months ago, and u still havent written new ones!! write about anything, just write!
    i will be waiting!
    thanks so much, really appreciate it!

  63. Hey! I found your site while surfing the web and fell head over heels for the women’s serial killer monologue. So, I omitted a few lines (but didn’t alter the text) and used it for a big audition. Now, I am going to Hollywood! I just want to say thanks and let you know that it is hilarious and very witty. Whenever another actress asks me for ideas regarding comedic scripts, I just refer them to your site. Thank you again for posting free material for us broke, starving artists. The auditioners loved it! Have a marvelous day!! :)

  64. Thanks for posting this. I was having a hard time finding a monologue for women that wasnt for teenagers. I will be using this monolgue for my acting II class and for an audition. Very funny. Thanks again. I will let you know how everything goes!!

  65. Thank you for this. I’m not in need of a monologue right now but I’m keeping this one in FAVORITES. For the future. Brilliant!

  66. i love this i am going to use it as my monologue for theater class!!!

  67. that is one of the best comedic monologues I have read. I love that that it can work for a wide age range. You are very funny. I have 2 Improv troupes and work with Comedians at the Improv Comedy Clubs. Keep up the good work. Wonderful!

  68. I absolutely love this comedic monologue. I’ve been trying to find something FOREVER and day for an audition I have this week and this is perfect. I’m extremely eager to use this piece. Brilliant writing! Thank you so much! :)

  69. I used this and got the exact part of the show i wanted: a sassy bartender named Tanya, so I owe you big time. Thank you so much!

  70. LOVE IT! I have to do a monologue for my final exam and im so excited to do this piece. All my friends think its just hilarious! Hopefully my teacher does to :P Thanks

  71. THIS IS EXCELLENT! IM SO USING THIS FOR MY FINAL EXAM!

  72. Just performed this monologue for my final exam and recieved the only 100% in the class. My teacher absolutely loved it! Thankyou so much :)

  73. I performed this for an Oral Interp for my speech class.Everyone LOVED it.Needless to say,I passed that speech with flying colors :D

  74. I fell in LOVE with this monologue! There’s a local talent show coming up and I would love to do this one- please let me know if I can, and send me your name as well so I can give credit!

  75. This is simply stupendous! I would love, love, LOVE to use this monolouge next time i’m auditioning, or even just as practice to keep myself acting while i’m not involved in any shows! c: Great job, keep writing!

  76. Love this. My audition isn’t until the end of August, but I’m planning on using a shortened version of this one. Thanks so much for providing something truly different!

  77. I used this monologue for an audition for a theatre scholarship at my college and the director loved it and I got the scholarship!

  78. Who wrote this Serial killer?

  79. I used this for a Little Shop of Horrors audition and landed the part of Audrey :)

  80. I love love love this! It suits my personality perfectly. Sadly, my upcoming audition requires a one minute monologue.

    I’ll definitely be saving this one though!

  81. Next week is my Trinity exam :/ doing this piece. Wish me look… :D

  82. I found this in my search for a monologue for my speech class, and it was awesome. Thank you for putting this up.

  83. I would like to use this piece for my forensics competition, only catch, our pieces have to be published or we’re disqualified! So I’m just wondering if this is published?? PLEASEEEEEEE say yes!

  84. I used this monologue as my audition piece for the musical “3 Murders and its Only Monday” And I got the role of Mary Tobias with it! :D Thank you so much! I will definitely keep this in my repotoire to use in the future. :D You’re a fantastic writer! :D

  85. I used this monologue for my university’s mainstage production of “The Visit” and was recently told i got the role! Thanks so much! I loved this and will definitely be using it again!

  86. I am a theatre major in Los Angeles, and I LOVE dark, comedic monologues. I am going to use this for an upcoming audition, thank you so much! You’re wonderful!

  87. I wanted to let you know I used this monologue for my nearby Lenaea Theater Festival and won a bronze medal with it! This monologue is fantastic and I’ll definitely use it often~

  88. I went to NYC Actor’s Connection and auditioned with this monologue for Paul Fouquet. It was a Monologue Perfection class and HE LOVED IT! Great job!!!!!

  89. I loved this so much! I used it for my first assessment for my hsc and got full marks I’m so happy thank you so much!

  90. I used this to audition for The Group Rep in North Hollywood and I was accepted! It’s such a fun piece and everyone at the theatre loved it. Thanks!

  91. I love, love this I can’t wait to use it :) I hope it will help me as much as it helped all this people :)

  92. I’m auditioning for a school production with this monolouge – Im positive i’ll get the role this is absolutely perfect! Can’t wait to tell you what happened : )

  93. Hey Hey lol,
    I just wanted to let you know that im using this in my acting 1 class in college Im preforming it next week and by the looks of the comments this is an amazing piece would you mind giving me your name and the title for this monologue please. I would really appreciate it thanks

    Mandy <3

    • I have tried to get in touch with you before and was wondering if there is any more information you could give about the monologue, like why does she hung up on her father so much? Also could you give me your name and the monologue title because when I use this monologue I have to give an introduction, and because I dont know your name and dont want to spoil the monologue by saying what its about, I have very little to say at the moment.

      Thanks, scarlet xxx

  94. I love this monologue! I’m auditioning for I hate Shakespeare so I think this will suit my character perfectly. I’ll look forward to seeing the look on my directors face. Thank you and keep writing

  95. Hey there! I absolutely LOVEEEE this monologue. You did such a fantastic job! I am using this for my audition for my high school’s Comedic Fall Play. Looking forward to seeing the look on my director’s faces since they are both fun loving, and goofy, I know they will love this :)

  96. I used this for a general season audition this week for a local company, and so far I’ve gotten 2 callbacks from it! And one of them is for a show I desperately want! The artistic director of the company especially loved it. I will be using this one again, oh yes I will!

  97. Hello me and my film club would love to make a short film about this. we will give you credit for it and we will try our best at it. please allow us to have this opportunitie to film your AWESOME monologue!

  98. hey I really love this monologue and id really like to perform it for my HSC IP. This monologues goes for about 4 min. Could you maybe please extended a little longer because id really like to perform it.
    thank you,
    Natalie

  99. I did this at a theater competition today and got a superior rating so I get to go to state! Yay! Thank you for your awesome monologue!

  100. I did this monologue for an audition and it went fantastic! All the people watching laughed at all the right places and what was even better was that the audition got me a callback too! Thanks a million for this great piece!

  101. This monoluge was great!!!!! i used it for my drama class and everyone laughed. it was perfect because i had a scary setting. funny AND scary… PERFECT. thx a lot

  102. This is an AWESOME monologue!!!!!! When ever i need a monoluge i am going to your sight!!! I did it for my drama class (hope thats ok) and everyone loved it! I used Scary lighting and evryone laughed at the good parts and got scared on the others! Funny and Scary, perfect!!!!!!
    Thx so so much

  103. I absolutely love this piece. I shared it with my sisters and they loved it as well and will be using it in their drama classes! I will be auditioning this monologue tomorrow thanx! keep them coming!

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