Comedy monologue for women (20s – 50s): Super Spy
I was talking the other day to a woman I want to involve in my online sketch comedy troupe. She was the talent in a short exercise we shot a few weeks ago, and she was both very skilled and great to work with, so I’d love to involve her as much as possible. I explained that the next step in the group-building plan is a big group audition, where we would all do writing exercises and improv together, and I’d ask each person who wanted to focus on acting to perform a short monologue.
Strangely, she panicked a little. She was completely interested in participating, but she wanted me to understand that her monologue might not be very good. I was confused. The short we had shot together was essentially a monologue. She hadn’t had the tiniest problem with memorization, and she has some real comedy chops. So what was the problem?
She can never find a good comedy monologue. Ahhh… That makes more sense. I’ve heard this complaint before. There are many, many choices for a man to show of his comedic timing, but it’s much tougher for a woman.
It had always been my understanding that an actor’s audition monologues were supposed to be from plays that had been published and would be recognizable, but she felt it was far more important to have a funny piece that could show off the actor. Makes sense. So, after reassuring her that she wasn’t going to ruin her standing with me through her monologue, I offered to write her something she could use. (Not so much for our audition, but in general.) I explained that I have made the offer to many actors that if they told me what kind of character they want to play, I would write them something to show them off. No one ever takes me up on it. Easier to complain, I guess.
Well, she DID call me on it. She said, “superhero or spy.” So I had to deliver. I’m going to post it below, just in case there are any other women out there casting about for a comedic female monologue who might google their way here and find it useful.
Steve. By now you hevv probably realize that I emm leavink you. I leave for you this tape, because I don’t vant you theenk you deed somethink wronk, or that romance vas fadink for me, or anythink like that. I also don’t vant you think I emm like other Russian internet brides, who marry pathetic rich American and leave him. No. Only reason I emm leavink you, darlink, is because I hevv gathered all intelligence ve need, and henndlers are recallink me to my country. I realize, this probably comes as bit of shock, given our eight years of merriage. I emm dedicated professional, Steve.
Surely, you must hevv suspected somethink. Did you really think voman sexy and talented as me ends up vith dumpy nerd-man like you? Such a think is against natural law. You honestly think I vas likink your model trains? Oh, sveetie… no. No vun is interested in model trains. I know vhat you’re thinkink, right? Jim and Brenda vould come over, and they vould play vith model trains for hours, no? Vell, Jim and Brenda vork for my government, too. Sorry.
As long as I emm comink clean, (suddenly drops accent) I speak perfect English. Oh, and I’m not Russian. They haven’t been spying on you for years. No, I work for the Norwegians. We have a far more extensive intelligence network.
I’m taking Sam and Julie and the baby with me. Sorry about that, but since they have my genes, they are technically considered a government secret. But don’t worry, sweetie. They are almost guaranteed brilliant futures with the Norwegian Intelligence Agency.
Well, I’m off. I’ll always care for you, in my way, but of course I gave my heart long ago to the service of his majesty King Harald. Oh! Honey, I still have a lot of hiding spots around the house. I removed all the microfilm and computer disks, but I didn’t have time to deactivate the booby traps. Maybe don’t reach into anything… or, like, open… On second thought, maybe you’d better just move.
So, yeah, just wanted to say sorry about your whole life being a lie and everything. My bad. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl and remarry. Maybe lower your expectations, you know, quite a bit. You’ll do fine. Adios. Thanks for all the government secrets.
Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.