Comedy monologue for women (20s – 50s): Super Spy
Here’s the piece that started me down the path of posting the occasional monologue to this blog. The talented Arnica Skulstad Laurice did the first ever proto-sketch for brevityTV. When we held formal auditions for group membership, I asked her to try out, but she was concerned about doing it because she didn’t have a good monologue. I offered to create one, if she told me the kind of role she’d always want to play. This is the result!
Steve. By now you hevv probably realize that I emm leavink you. I leave for you this tape, because I don’t vant you theenk you deed somethink wronk, or that romance vas fadink for me, or anythink like that. I also don’t vant you think I emm like other Russian internet brides, who marry pathetic rich American and leave him. No. Only reason I emm leavink you, darlink, is because I hevv gathered all intelligence ve need, and henndlers are recallink me to my country. I realize, this probably comes as bit of shock, given our eight years of merriage. I emm dedicated professional, Steve.
Surely, you must hevv suspected somethink. Did you really think voman sexy and talented as me ends up vith dumpy nerd-man like you? Such a think is against natural law. You honestly think I vas likink your model trains? Oh, sveetie… no. No vun is interested in model trains. I know vhat you’re thinkink, right? Jim and Brenda vould come over, and they vould play vith model trains for hours, no? Vell, Jim and Brenda vork for my government, too. Sorry.
As long as I emm comink clean, (suddenly drops accent) I speak perfect English. Oh, and I’m not Russian. They haven’t been spying on you for years. No, I work for the Norwegians. We have a far more extensive intelligence network.
I’m taking Sam and Julie and the baby with me. Sorry about that, but since they have my genes, they are technically considered a government secret. But don’t worry, sweetie. They are almost guaranteed brilliant futures with the Norwegian Intelligence Agency.
Well, I’m off. I’ll always care for you, in my way, but of course I gave my heart long ago to the service of his majesty King Harald. Oh! Honey, I still have a lot of hiding spots around the house. I removed all the microfilm and computer disks, but I didn’t have time to deactivate the booby traps. Maybe don’t reach into anything… or, like, open… On second thought, maybe you’d better just move.
So, yeah, just wanted to say sorry about your whole life being a lie and everything. My bad. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl and remarry. Maybe lower your expectations, you know, quite a bit. You’ll do fine. Adios. Thanks for all the government secrets.
Want to use this piece for an audition? Need to know my name? Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.